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Imagine walking into a bull in the dark…

As we are a fully trained search and rescue team thanks to a late night request to help find a fisherman missing on the Kaipara Harbour, here are some handy hints, with the tips following the lessons and the most important tip last because that was our learning process.

The farmer and I were asleep when neighbours across the river phoned at 11.30pm. A fisherman hadn’t arrived for a rendezvous a few kilometres further up the river. It was howling a gale and, had the motor failed, his boat might have washed up on the other side of our farm. Could we check?

We bolted out of bed and pulled on warm clothes. I grabbed a hat, jacket and our biggest torch. Yes, the farmer jumped into the truck without a torch presumably figuring the headlights would do the work.

After driving to the point near the house (no luck there), we headed through the farm where the torch came in handy.

Tip Six: Take a torch.

We walked along the beach then, because the tide was so high, through a wet, puggy paddock. I asked the farmer to slow down so he wouldn’t leave me in the dark which gave him a bright idea – he could travel faster without me, so why not leave me all alone in the dark!

Sure, I said as he took off for the bluff with the one and only torch.

Tip Five: If possible, take a torch for each person.

It was a black, black night. I couldn’t see a thing, including the nearby towering pines which didn’t break the screaming wind. I envied Kate the dog who’d come for the adventure, but had sensibly stayed with the truck.

Tip Four: If you can wangle it, stay with the vehicle.

And it was so cold. Lucky I grabbed that jacket and hat.

Tip Three: Dress warm.

While I stood in the paddock my mind galloped. What if the farmer fell and dropped the torch? How long would I wait? Could I get back to the truck? I couldn’t use the fence as a guide – it was electrified. Were there bulls in the paddock? Imagine bumbling into a sleeping bull.

After what seemed like forever – about 20 minutes – I saw the farmer’s torch flash and he showed up shortly afterwards having found nothing.

As we stumbled back across the paddock I suggested holding hands would make things easier. The farmer said he doubted this was acceptable on a search and rescue mission, but held my hand anyway.

Tip Two: Hold hands, especially if it’s really dark.

We got home at 12.15pm to find two messages from our neighbours. The first had been recorded moments after we left – as they’d watched our vehicle lights disappear through the farm, they spotted the lights of a boat heading up the harbour. The second message, at five past midnight, confirmed the missing boatie had arrived. Sigh… if only we’d known.

Tip One: Take a cell phone. Then HQ can phone if the lost person is found and you can immediately return to your warm and snuggly bed.

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Floss at Batley point, a favourite spot for fishing from the beach

It’s commonly thought dogs are banned from beaches because they frighten some people, fight amongst themselves and leave smelly poos.

But that’s not true – it’s because dogs are incompatible with fishing. They’re such greedy gutses they will nick your bait, hook, line but probably not your sinker and gobble down entire fish – including smelly old heads and bones.

When our fencer Tony was away it fell on me to walk his young dog, King, who adored fish including aged skeletons.  He was so cunning, he’d grab a disgusting, stinking fish then nimbly sidle away when I pursued him.

Once he even nicked a mullet out of someone’s bait bin when we were at the point where several people were fishing.  His audacity earned him instant forgiveness because he delighted everyone by lunging around proudly waving his catch in the air all the while munching away until the entire fish disappeared.

Another day he wasn’t quite so lucky.  He attempted to gobble some bait on a hook that had been carelessly left on the beach.  The hook caught in his lip and Murphy’s Law meant the Vet Centre was due to close any second. Luckily, I extracted the hook, but Rex wasn’t so lucky a few weeks later.  By the time he’d reached his dog Mo, she’d demolished bait on a hook that had been left lying around.

It was a Friday evening and Rex, figuring it was too late to do much, cut off the nylon line that dangled from Mo’s mouth and hoped for the best.  (He didn’t tell me this until after the happy ending because I’d have wanted to rush Mo to the vet which would have cost an even bigger fortune than it eventually did.)

First thing Monday Rex whisked Mo to the vet.  Two x-rays later, he learned the hook had proceeded on its merry way and was shortly due to be expelled. If he’d waited just one more hour, Mo would have done the crucial poo that carried the fish hook to safety.

Hot Dog Tip: When I thought my dog Floss had eaten paper staples, the vet advised me to feed her cottonwool balls dipped in wet dog or cat food, the concept being the staples would catch in the cottonwool and sail safely through her gut.